A Story of Grief

I've been thinking about the various callers to the Alzheimer's Association helpline and how some people reflect on short snap-shots of time while others are stuck in a grief process; whether or not their loved one has actually passed away or has irreversibly changed in their personality. It is a re-occurring theme both on the helpline and in my own life, so I'm sure that that is why I am sensitive to this issue.

I believe that "death and dying" topics are most difficult to hear and navigate our callers through because we get stuck in their sorrow, pushed away by their anger, or distracted by their memories of joy. Raw emotion is hard to contend with by using mere words, but those are the tool of the counselor.

I can think of a few people who are locked into the moment of their loved one's passing. Watching the death bed scene replay in their minds with mixed emotions of closure and sadness. It seems that our minds drive us to process or digest the relationships we had with our loved ones, by constantly flashing reminders at us. For example, I have heard callers identify a mystical connection to a song that played on the radio or a bird that flew overhead and they believe with all their heart that this is a signal from their departed loved one. I hate to disillusion such beautiful rationalizations, and when I am counseling I never confront these beliefs, but do these thoughts prolong the grief process?

One misnomer that I would like to dispell for any new grief counselors out there is the idea that "grief gets easier with time". In my experience as a counselor and as a person who carries grief, I think that the only thing that changes with time is the attention/support that a grieveing person is offered by friends, family, or one's religion. As if the fact that others stop acknowledging the loss, then it shouldn't be so pressing on out minds. Grief is certainly an uncomfortable topic to discuss and perhaps that is why everyone is in a hurry to dismiss it or make people "feel better". I would rather learn how to cope with my grief and live with it, since it is part of me. I wonder if that is a good perspective to have as a counselor?